Creating friendships in school is a lot easier, but after graduating and entering the workforce, our lives become more complex.
More responsibilities come up, our values may change, and the people we like hanging out with decrease faster than we can find them.
Research has shown that men and women hit peak friendships at 25, which can be seen as a good thing or bad depending on the situation.
You don’t want to just have friends for the sake of having them.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is end up with people that make you feel all alone.”
~Robin Williams
Although genuine friends are few and hard to come by, I believe we should still create a social circle large enough so that we can sort out and build a close relationship with the ones we like.
Here are some of the difficulties I have observed that we usually face when we try creating friendships:
Busy timetables
When was the last time you discussed with your old friends from school when to hang out and even created a group chat to come up with a date and time everyone could agree to?
Probably took you guys a while to come to an agreement and even then a couple of people probably couldn’t show up at the last second.
It can be frustrating as everyone is going through different stages in life, as life becomes more complicated and more responsibilities build up.
Less and less priority will be on meeting up and interacting with friends outside of your workplace. If we don’t give time and priority to relationships they tend to fade away.
Workplace friends
The relationships you make at work usually don’t become genuine as we are there to work and it’s necessary we get along to not only be more effective but also to make a more pleasant place to be.
I have seen 2 people getting along so well during work but hate each other’s tone of voice and could care less if they needed help outside of work.
Some people would be grabbing their popcorn to listen to others’ suffering and be unconcerned when listening to their happiness.
Of course, not all coworkers are like that and they are a necessity to create a favorable impression so it won’t damage our job satisfaction or career growth.
They are your companions at work, so it’s very rare that you guys will be able to build a genuine connection unless you like hanging out after working hours every week.
Trust Issues
Being vulnerable can be scary to some especially when the people you trusted betrayed you several times as you get older.
Unfortunately, that is part of the experience of life, you learn as you go and not be resentful.
We all value honesty yet we desperately try to hide our flaws and since we know people judge you on your first impression no matter if that is right or wrong. It takes time to create trust so take a wise approach to each relationship.
That is why in every interaction it’s important to come into the conversation with good faith and give the benefit of the doubt to the other person if you would also like the same treatment.
Rejection
When was the last time you got rejected trying to befriend them or have a romantic relationship? The emotional challenge of being discouraged and going through that pain can be scary.
That is completely normal as adults or perhaps rather strange if you don’t feel that since we should care to some degree about what the person we would like to connect with thinks of us.
But know that it’s not a reflection of your worth or value as a person, it simply means you were not meant for each other or they simply missed out on a good opportunity to befriend you! Take it as a process of finding a worthwhile friend or partner.
Lacking social skills
Ever reflected on how your social skills were? I still cringe to this day at the numerous times of socially awkward moments.
Have you experienced moments such as getting a haircut at a barbershop, the barber asks ‘What do you do for a living?’ and then you ask a question ‘What about you?”.
Moving on, we rely too much on our social media when interacting with others, texting and sending funny content to your friends isn’t really socializing.
As helpful as it is in keeping contact and even creating possible new connections with others, most of the communication is done through non-verbal cues.
“The gestures you make, your posture, your tone of voice, how much eye contact you make—send strong messages.
They can put people at ease, build trust, and draw others towards you, or they can offend, confuse, and undermine what you’re trying to convey“. (HelpGuide)
So to make sure you’re not missing out on potential friends and a great social life, we need to make sure our Social Skills are not destroying our chances.
Ego
You may be doing this unconsciously but at times we approach interactions with the idea of “What’s in it for me?”.
Whether it’s in our work schedule, the allocated ‘me-time’, and the family priorities mean that we want friends that fit into our lives pretty seamlessly.
How willing are we to compromise a bit on our time to maintain quality friendships with long-term benefits?
Also, some people who just lack confidence, are insecure and don’t want others to judge them tend to avoid interacting with people.
Others may think friendship is not as necessary as monetary gains, their career or their own small family and think solely on the give-and-take situations so they give up on friendship.
Other observations on friendships by Mark Manson:
Some people only have low-level friendships, not high-level
These people are what would generally be considered to be “Superficial.” They know everyone and say hello to everyone, but nobody actually knows them on a significantly deep level.
There’s little to no emotional attachment or shared history. And definitely no vulnerability.
Some people only have high-level friendships.
These people are probably shy and afraid of reaching out of their comfort zone.
And while they have a few people who are very close to them in their lives, they are missing out by not exposing themselves to a wider array of people.
Is it even necessary
Being alone for a while is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people anymore
~Tom Hardy
Since making friends as an adult is not easy, it takes a lot of time and effort. Why not just be satisfied with a couple of really good friends?
Or should we be single for the majority of our life stress-free?
Why should we even waste our time, and resources and possibly go through toxic relationships?
Let me know what you guys think.
