We know we should stop comparing ourselves with others but why is it so hard?
Comparing ourselves to others helps us understand what we are good at and what we aren’t so good at.
This allows us to adapt and go through life, socialize, and fit in better with others.
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
“Comparing yourself to others serves as an orientation to see where we stand in a group and whether we need to take some action to improve our performance or position”. says Psychologist Pia Linden.
Interestingly we don’t trust our own judgments very well. Festinger’s social comparison theory states that “humans can’t define themselves independently, but only in relation to other individuals.”
So it is actually necessary to compare yourself to others on your behaviors, actions, opinions, and feelings about the world so that you can gather knowledge and realize what works best for you.
How it affects us
Comparison can be a double-edged sword, it can either make you a better person or a bitter one depending on how you look at it. How does it make you feel?
- When your co-worker get the promotion over you?
- When your friend has a better house, car, or job?
- When you see someone else having the freedom you want?
That can lead you to a route of self-doubt and low self-esteem. It has the potential to damage one’s sense of progress, confidence in one’s ability, and enjoyment of one’s achievements.
Do you have negative thoughts such as feelings of anxiety, envy, and feeling bad about your current situation?
Or do you have positive thoughts such as motivating you to do better and become more focused on your own goals?
Feeding your ego
Although we mainly compare ourselves to others from a place of our weaknesses and insecurities we have. That means we always come out as losers and become a victim. It encourages us to not try and makes us lose motivation
However, that doesn’t mean you should be comparing yourself to others who are not as good as you are. Although it may help you gain confidence and feel grateful for what you have.
If done constantly you will only be creating a false sense of the power of being good enough already. That will lead to you being overconfident and missing the opportunity to learn and grow.
Your weaknesses and others’ strengths
Gregg Hammond a professional counselor explains the dangers of comparison on his blog:
- Comparing Yourself is a Roller-Coaster Ride: Comparing yourself leads to your self-worth being flung around by the opinions, words, and actions of others.
- Comparing Yourself Fuels Your Insecurities: The nagging feeling of not being good enough, of needing the approval of others. You can never quite feel good enough if your “good” is defined by the achievements of others.
- The Debilitating Need for Approval: If you compare yourself to others, you are likely to find that you also look to others for their approval. Needing the approval of others makes you second-guess yourself and your decisions.
Mental illness has been on the rise recently and there is a study that shows how millennials are the ones with the highest record of any other generation in history.
Behind the scenes
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. ~Steve Furtick
Yes, you have probably heard of the advice on how we need to stop comparing ourselves to others from others.
But when social media such as Facebook and Instagram are filled with posts or stories of people having fun and exciting lives, it can be hard not to compare.
Want to know the most shocking truth, that everyone kind of knows? The highlight reels or posts you see on social media don’t always reflect reality. (Yep, no way right?)
But am sure you know that or at least thought of it at one point.
We need to understand that it’s not the complete picture of their lives, it’s just a piece of it. Let that sink in for a bit before you start judging your lives with theirs.
You never know what difficulties they might have gone through or are going through behind the scenes.
Do you find yourself getting so preoccupied with someone else’s life that you forget to live your own?
We see who is doing what we’re not, and we may become stressed wondering if we’re doing enough, earning enough, or enjoying life enough. We compare our regular lives with other people’s curated best memories. (Verywellmind)
How social media can affect your livelihood
There have been a number of studies showing that people feel bad about themselves with heavy use of social media. Increasing the risk for depression, anxiety, loneliness, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.
Social media affects our self-esteem and triggers our insecurities. We all have our own insecurities and those posts and stories of others living better lives than us, magnify them even further.
It’s easy to fall into this trap even though you have made achievements in things like increasing your salary and losing weight.
But when you scroll through Instagram or Facebook and see other people having or doing the things you were aiming for, it can make you feel inadequate.
Including myself where even though I could somewhat start having visible abs, instead of being proud of how far I’ve come.
That satisfaction would only last for a while until I scrolled through my Instagram feed and feel discouraged. Finally thinking to myself it was still not good enough compared to others.
Trying to “keep up” with others
A lot of people are going broke trying to impress other people.
Keeping up with the Joneses causes financial suffering. An invisible force that makes us have the need to match with how other people are spending their money.
Whether it is to feel connected with others or you think just because others are doing it you must as well.
The research was done on people who won a lottery prize and how they spent their money affected their neighborhood spending.
Their neighbors were more likely to make significant, visible purchases and some of them actually led to bankruptcy.
Those people saw their neighbors get an upgrade in lifestyle and, all of a sudden, they thought they needed one too, even though they couldn’t afford it. Just to impress your neighbor in person or even on social media?
Comparing the materialistic things that they own and thinking you need to match with them is foolish.
Maybe it will satisfy your ego at the moment but instead, the hidden expense is that you will become a servant to the things you thought would make you happy.
It’s okay to spend a little luxury here and there(within your budget) but we shouldn’t be forming our decisions out of comparing ourselves to others on what they have.
Being obsessive about others’ life
Unfortunately, nowadays it’s especially hard for us not to compare ourselves to others. Some people become addicted to comparing that they end up feeling like a loser or a victim.
They become over-critical about their lives and judge themselves harshly and that breeds feelings of inferiority. Do you find yourself becoming depressed because your life looks like nothing “it’s supposed to”?
Here are some signs that you might have obsessive comparison behavior or thoughts:
- I’m not rich, handsome/beautiful, or educated enough to be liked by others
- My children’s success is not as it’s supposed to be compared to others
- I don’t have many exciting stories or vacations
- My job or career is embarrassing and a disappointment
- My accomplishments aren’t worthwhile
Competition
Reality is harsh, especially for people who choose not to compete. Life is a competition and to get what you want, you will need to outwork your competitors.
I believe competition is necessary if you want to make the best out of your life.
You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you earn. ~Tom Brands
Everyone has their own unique sets of strengths and also weaknesses. However, a comparison is unhealthy when you tie your self-esteem on your lacking qualities to others’ best qualities.
The following are some examples for comparison rather than competition:
- You focus on others’ performance more than on your own progress.
- You fear your hard work won’t measure up to others’ achievements.
- You determine your happiness and value with other people’s success and try to keep up with them.
Use it to your benefit
You need to think of ways to stop comparing things outside of your control and focus on what outcomes you want in life.
Once you figure that out, look at what those people have done to achieve similar outcomes that you are aiming for.
What kind of habits will you need to adopt? Are the things you’re doing every day getting you closer to your goals?
By using points of comparison as a trigger to brainstorm, you can discover key differences in attitudes and beliefs, behaviors and daily disciplines, time management and focus, learnable skills and gainable experience, etc. that can potentially help you close the gap. (Jennifer365)
Study what works
Self-made multi-millionaire JT McCormick, mastered advantageous comparison, using it to make his way from poverty to wealth. At his job, he dared to not only study company leaders but also copy their dress styles and memorized leaders’ speech patterns.
By doing that he started to learn the elements of success and the most important thing he did was “refining it and tweaking it” to his own style.
He compared himself to people whose lives he admired and worked hard until he had that life. Instead of saying I wish I was better than them”, say ” How can I be better than them” Don’t get bitter get better.
In conclusion
A habit of comparing yourself to others is hard to let go of. Especially in recent years, where social media is right in front of us, and almost impossible to escape from it.
When we are able to see more and more people living the lives that we dream of, we can develop a sense of envy and that can even lead to depression.
Being constantly exposed to such lifestyles of other people can make us think that everyone is having fun, not stopping to think that most of them are only posting their best moments and we have no idea of the full picture or what they have gone through to get there.
If you knew their hidden struggles, would you still envy them?
If you are going to compare, the only person you should compare is yourself from your past. Can you honestly say you have improved compared to the person you were the previous day, week, or month?
The only way to stop your worries is if you can answer the question with a confident “Yes”.
